I am in a funk that I cannot seem to pull out of right now.

All I have felt is stress this summer, as Jon works 16 hour days, and I work AND try to keep Kyan happy. Which means at the end of the day, We are both tired and stressed, and just....UGH.

Kyan is so interactive now...he loves face time with anyone. His naps are wittled down to maybe an hour in the mornings and an hour int he afternoons, which means he has roughly 3 hours where he has to play alone while I am working. Maybe it's just me, but that seems like WAY too much "alone" play time, and an awful lot to expect of someone eho is ONE YEAR OLD. SO I let him play in his room, cause my office is one door down the hall-his room is baby proofed, and so I leave his door open and put up a baby gate in his doorway so he can't get out of his room and into the hall, where our telephone wire runs along the baseboard and is Kyan's favorite thing to play with. Well, every time Kyan sees that baby gate now, he starts to cry, because he knows it means I have to stop playing with him and disappear down the hall. He'll cry intermittenly throughout playtime, because he knows that means I will run down the hall to check on him (provided the Bosshole is not reaming me out for something or dictating an insufferably long letter). And then he'll cry when I have to walk down the hall again.

He's not even getting my full attention on lunch break. If I were a full time non-working Mom, I could get chores and stuff done while he slept. But since I don't have that option, things get squeezed into lunch hour, and the time I have to spend with him.

So basically, I am in Hell. There is no forseeable way out of this situation. We can't make it on Jon's income alone, we can't afford daycare, and try as I might, I am not having any luck finding a job with better hours.

I would love to blame someone else here, namely Jon, but I know he is busting his rump and working these long crazy days so that hopefully one day I won't have to work. But I need a solution now, and there is not one.

When Kyan was younger, I was only looking for something at night time because I didn;t want to leave him. I still don't want to leave him, but it's clear he needs interaction and constant attention/monitoring (he IS a one year old), and if I could find a job that paid enough, I would put him in daycare so he at least got to play with other kids. If I didn't have to work, I could set up playdates and he'd have so much more interaction with me AND the outside world. But I can't even find a better paying day job. So here I am. Feeling awful and guilty and knowing Kyan is getting not only the short end of the stick, but the short end of the stick covered in shit.

I always wanted my kids to be independent, but I wanted them to know they could count on me for anything. What if Kyan is already realizing I am not meeting all his needs? He cried in his sleep last night, and I so desperately wanted to prove to my son I can be there when he needs me that I slept on the floor of his room in case he cried again. Except it didn't prove anything and I still don't feel any better, and now my back just hurts from sleeping on the floor all night.

I don't know what to do anymore. I complain and complain, and I rant and rave and I cry, but nothing changes. And I can't keep doing this to Kyan. He deserves so much better.

Weigh In

Finally!! Some downward movement! AT weigh in this morning (yes, a day late). I weighed 174.8....AND I went on a 1.5 hour walk today, which has now made me a bit smelly.....

I am still waiting on some pics from Kyan's birthday party to do a complete picture post of said party, but as soon as I have them in my hot little hands, you, dear Internet, will be the first to see them.

This weekend was okay....Kyan has not been quite himself....He was running a fever over the weekend, but still quite fussy and apt to cry for no reason, which is SO not like him, and not really eating. I took him to the doc, who said it was probably just a virus of some kind...he wasn't puking, after all. Today he is somewhat better, but still seems kind of fussy....It could be one of his top teeth coming in too...so we shall see.

A quickie

Quick Post:

Party was great!! Lots of people showed up! Lots of Yummy food was had! I have no pictures, though-the only ones I can show you are a hew my friend Amelia has sent me so far:
The Birthday Boy






The CAKE:

Lily modeling the party favors:

Kyan and Lily:



On the weight front:
I was at 177 on Monday......Due to getting my period and party planning/having my parents up for a visit, this has clearly not been my most productive week for weight loss, but at least I am wlaking again, and I fully intend to be back on track for next week. I WAS weighinh 174.8 earlier in the week, so maybe I could just blame it all in water retention??

365 days

Dear Kyan-
Today, you are 1 year old.

On this day last year, You came into this world after 6.5 hours of labor, weighing 9 lbs, 2 oz., and 21 inches long, and looked me straight in the eye. It was the happiest day of my life then. Since you were born, EVERY day has been the happiest day of my life.

At your Doctors appointment this morning, you were 25 lbs and 31 1/2 inches long.....nearly 16 lbs and 10 1/2 inches bigger than this time last year.





I have watched your little personality emerge-You are inquisitve, funny, and always looking to get into trouble.

You are my little buddy-game for pretty much anything and everything, prepared to take it all in.





Kyan, there really aren't words for what I am feeling.....I am just so grateful to be your Mother. You have taught me so much, this past year. There are so many books that talk about how to help your baby learn and what they should be taught, but I think they have it all wrong. I've learned more from you than you could possibly ever learn from me. I love being a Mother so much-You've even made me appreciate my own Mother more.



I know from you what it means to truly appreicate the small things...That suprise crumb in your high chair, a twist tie on the floor, watching the dog run around the yard...All of these things are exciting and awesome to you, and you have in turn, made them awesome for me again too.



You have changed to much......from a small baby with crazy hair to a little boy who just got his first REALLY Big Boy hair cut. Like other babies your age, you are starting to test your limits-and I am trying hard to let you explore while setting enough limits to keep you safe.



I intended for this to be a much longer post, filled with stories from yor first year, but the best thing I can think to say is: Happy Birthday, Kyan. I love you more than anything in the world. You are my sweet baby boy, and although sometimes I wish I could stop time from marching on and freeze frame you exactly the way you are now, I know the future holds even better things for you. I am just lucky that I will get to watch it happen.

Every day, I think it's impossible that I could love you any more, but every day, my heart grows ten times bigger just from being around you. You have changed me in so many ways......Both your Dad and I think we are the luckiest parents in the world.



Love,
Mama

A Picture post

This is for you Mom.....

Okay, I was feeling creative last night, so I made another sling-This is a double sided ring sling made from silk dupioni in Saffron and Sherry-I think it turned out pretty well.....I test drive it this morning with Kyan (he just wanted to be crawling), and the fabric slips far less then slings I have made in the past, and I have to say I love the sheen and feel of the fabric. I think I will wear it out a few times and see if I get any feedback, and then see from there if making them to sell would be a worthwhile venture....

Front shots:




Back Shot:


Shoulder/Rings:


And here are some pics of Kyan (and Jon and Scooter):
Ky with Grandpa:


Ky with Grammie:


Ky in the swings (He loves the swings!):


Ky with Daddy:


Crazy Upside Down Kid:


Petting Scooter:






Video of Kyan crawling:


Video of Kyan with Scooter:


And lastly, a couple pics that Amelia took of Kyan:

Weekly Weigh In-July 21

AT today's weigh in, I was 177.2, so I lost just over 2 lbs this week (last week I was at 179.6). It is EXTREMELY gratifying to see the scale going down, even in these small increments.

I continue to walk every weekday, and usually walk on weekends too, since we end up doing something where we just walk around.

Since I met my first goal of 5 lbs, my friends Amelia and Sean got me an Itunes Gift Card. I used it to buy "An Inconvenient Truth" on Itunes :-)

I have some cute pics to post of a trip to the park with Kyan from this past week, so as I soon as I get a chance to upload them, they will be on here.

Jon is currently in Alabama for a business trip, but will be home late tonight.....

Jon has a conference in Pasadena, Ca in September, and it looks like I will get to go with him!! SO Excited--I have never been to the West Coast! I am already working on scheduling a meet-up with a few of the girls from my message board who live in Southern California...

I also made a table skirt for my kitchen table. I ALSO got some silk dupioni to make myself a sling.....You may recall a post from last fall where I made myself a puch sling using Chiense silk. I saw these fabulous silk slings on www.sakurabloom.com ....but they are SUPER expensive......and I thought..hey, I could do that.....SO I have saffron and sherry colored dupioni silk to make a double sided ring sling.......Please visit the website and take a look at their slik slings, and tell me if they are appealing to you as an individual, and how much you think a reasonable price would be for one......because I know I could do it more cheaply, but the fabric itself is still expensive, but perhaps it would be a business avenue worth exploring? Please let me know your thoughts....

Weekly Weigh In

At Weigh In this morning, I was: 179.6 lbs. YAY! I made it to my first sponsored goal of 180! Wahoo! Unfortunately, I could not go walking this morning because it is raining out....BUT, I plan to keep plugging along.

I have another sponsor:
For every 10 lbs I lose, my friend Ryan will put a $50 savings bond into Kyan's Cillege Education Fund. That's a total of $250 if I lose all 50 lbs!

150 lbs: My friends Marcie and Chad (the very same ones I married a couple weeks ago!) will buy me a new shirt or something pretty when I get to 150 lbs.

The weekend was good and fairly relaxing...Now it's back to the grind.....