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Sorry for the abscence of posts......I was afraid to post because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the news to myself-"I'm pregnant!". Today I would have been 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant, due November 7.

But no more. Once again I had spotting (only this time on a Friday night so I could spend the whole weekend worrying) and got an ultrasound today that revealed no baby.

I now have a 33% success rate with pregnancy...pregnancies which are not particularly easy for me to acheive in the first place.

Where do I go from here? Well, at this moment, drinking myself to sleep is not working but not for any lack of trying. Jon and my doctor are all set to go and try again......but I just don't know.

Part of me feels like maybe I just need to concentrate on being a better Mother to Kyan.....that maybe God is punishing me because I haven't been a good enough Mom. I mean, I had everyone at church praying for me that it would be okay, and clearly it didn't do any good.

Time marches on, and eventually I will have to put away the wine bottle, wipe away my tears and get out of bed again, but right now the only thing I am capable of is holding Kyan tight and telling hime I love him, hoping it'l be okay if I am not able to give him any siblings, and wondering why my body keeps choosing to betray me.

My apologies in advance, as I don;t think I will be up to posting for a while.

You may hang me up by my toenails.....

I know it's been for like, ever, since I posted.....We moved the computer ut of the kitchen and upstairs, and now I have to actually have to sit at the damn thing when Kyan is napping, instead of watchig him play out of one eye while typing, as a I used to. My message board friends will attest to the fact I am definitely not a constant presence on the computer anymore. And that napping thing? Yeah, that's kind of a crap shoot these days.....Kyan might nap, or he may morph into DEVIL SPAWN and scream until he is released from his room.

We've had lots going on...I try and get him into play groups and set up play dates, because I feel like interaction with other kids is really good for him and might improve his language skills. We'll be starting to go for a weekly Open Swim at the Westfield YMCA on Tuesday mornings, and I think he'll really enjoy that, since he enjoys baths so much.....

On March 10, Jon and I will be meting my sister and her boyfriend in NYC to watch a taping of the The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. On Wednesday and Thursday, Jon will be in Atlanta for work. In two weeks, he'll be in NYC for a couple days for work. The week after that, we'll all be down in Philadephia for Jon's work and using the opportunity to visit my parents. The last week in April we are going to be vacationing with out friends Sean and Amelia and their daughter Lily in Cape Cod......so the next couple months will be busy. And with so many big things coming up, I will try and post more, and do pictures.......Cause all I have head for weeks and weeks is: "I thought you were going to post more now that your not working" and "we want updates".................

So yes, I will TRY and be better about this......finding the time is a lot harder than I expected....

and now, here are some pics.....most of them are from the beginning of January, but the camera is downstairs, and I am too tired to go down and get it and upload new pics and all that crap....next time........

Pics of Kyan enjoying snacks....




Kyan enjoying a bath with his buddy, Lily:




Kyan and I asleep on my parent's couch:


Kyan laughing:


Kyan on a play date in February.....Can you believe how long his hair is? I love it...I think it's so cute :-)


Anyhow-Will try and post something new in....let's be realistic...the next 10 days?? If I know people are actually reading I will make the effort.....