Monday, March 23, 2009

Empty

Sorry for the abscence of posts......I was afraid to post because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the news to myself-"I'm pregnant!". Today I would have been 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant, due November 7.

But no more. Once again I had spotting (only this time on a Friday night so I could spend the whole weekend worrying) and got an ultrasound today that revealed no baby.

I now have a 33% success rate with pregnancy...pregnancies which are not particularly easy for me to acheive in the first place.

Where do I go from here? Well, at this moment, drinking myself to sleep is not working but not for any lack of trying. Jon and my doctor are all set to go and try again......but I just don't know.

Part of me feels like maybe I just need to concentrate on being a better Mother to Kyan.....that maybe God is punishing me because I haven't been a good enough Mom. I mean, I had everyone at church praying for me that it would be okay, and clearly it didn't do any good.

Time marches on, and eventually I will have to put away the wine bottle, wipe away my tears and get out of bed again, but right now the only thing I am capable of is holding Kyan tight and telling hime I love him, hoping it'l be okay if I am not able to give him any siblings, and wondering why my body keeps choosing to betray me.

My apologies in advance, as I don;t think I will be up to posting for a while.

8 comments:

Dyar Baby Momma said...

Honey - words don't help but you know we are here for you and we love you very much. I know right now you have 1000 emotions going on - take the time to grieve this loss before making any decisions. You are not being punished - you are a wonderful mother, you love your family very much. When you want to talk, we are here.

Dawn said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make this easier for you! I truly believe that you are a wonderful mother, kind caring, fun loving and sweet! You have a beautiful, smart and sweet son who loves his mommy so much! You are in no way being punished. I hope you can feel my arms around you giving you a giant hug!

J*E*N*N*I said...

I'm thinking of you Becky. We all know you're a great mother to Kyan and do everything you can to make him happy.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any words to help understand why this happened but I always want you to know you have about 15 girls that love you and encourage you to talk about your feelings when you're able to.

Josephine said...

It's so hard not to beat yourself up after losing yet another baby. But from one survivor to another, you're not being punished. But that's all we can think about, right? "What did I do wrong?" Well, you did everything you could but the rest was out of your hands. As hard as it is to hear, keep your chin up. You are a TERRIFIC mother.

Jessica said...

I am sorry to hear that Becky. Know that I am thinking about you and sending some positive (emotional and for baby) energy your way.
A good book if you are feeling up to it,
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Reproductive/dp/0060937645
it is in the w.mass library system.

Marcie said...

ah c'mon girl....do I really need to regurgitate all the stuff you said to me when I miscarried in October? shit happens...and people praying in church never helped no one so please don't feel like you are being attacked by some asshole God that is judge hanging out judging and punishing you...please don't let religion make you feel worse...you know it has nothing to do with that. It's science and more than half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I know it's not easy for you to get pregnant but LOTS of women have had babies who were in far worse situations than you so I wish you wouldn't lose hope. It will happen and when it does it will be that much more awesome! I mean you never even thought you would have Kyan...and you're little dude is the man!!!! It's easy to be negative but I'm looking forward to the day when I get another text pic of two pink lines and I can say..."in your face!!! told ya soooooo!!!!" love you mama oxox....call me if you want to talk

Melody said...

Love to you all. You know I'm here if you ever need anything.

Molli Rocket said...

Lit a candle for you and your family after Easter Church. You're in my prayers my dear friend.