Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Moving forward

It has been a rough couple weeks.......I don't have the ability to sit and mourn, the way I did when I lost my first pregnancy, because a certain very busy 20 month old requires my attention. But it's been very easy to just sit down at times and dissolve into tears, at which point Kyan come over to me and gives me a hug (with a big sloppy kiss, if I ask nicely).

I wish this weren't so hard......Having been through this once already, I wish I was used to it, or could have become desensetized to it.....It has just been a roller coaster.....My HCG levels have gone down, then up...more spotting, no spotting, more spotting.....It's gonna take 2-3 months for my body to get back to normal before we can even try again.....

And yes, I am sure we will try again, although I honestly feel nothing but dread at the prospect....the last couple months before I got pregnant this time were really hard, and I don;t want to deal with that again, and then if I DO get another positive, I will just be waiting for somethign to go wrong...I felt that way when I was pregnant with Kyan, and obviously he turned out okay, but I didn't have anyone else to look after then.....being consumed and paralyzed with fear that the little bean you already love might cease to exist is exhausting, and quite frankly, my shitty parenting of Kyan over the last couple weeks is bad enough......He deserves to have me PRESENT, not freaking out about a future for his sibling I have no control over.

To top it all off, we bought a Honda Odyssey minivan the week I miscarried......I have been wanting one really bad-We were bringing home Kyan fro the hospital after he was born when the Matrix had started to feel cramped. Where I felt we could justify a minivan when we had our second child on the way, now I am just the asshole who drives a huge car with crappy gas mileage and ONE kid in the back. Don't get me wrong-I love the car, love the space, and think it is a great car-now we ca carry around an extra car seat for Kyan's friends and their Mom's (my friends). But I feel a little sad eery time I am getting into that car.....I just want it to be filled with kids. I ran into an old co-worker of Jon's today at Storytime at the Library.......She had her 2nd baby a couple months after I had Kyan, and is now halfway through her pregnancy with #3, and is still driving around is her old sedan. Now I just feel guilty....That is clearly a woman who needs a minivan more than I do.....

And so, life must go on whether I really feel like it or not, which is good, I guess, in some ways. I have some cute pics and video of Kyan I ver much need to upload, but am currently lacking the energy to do.

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