In Conclusion...

All this to say-I love my son dearly, I am just having a hard time with the current non-napping situation, an I am starting to get cranky as the third trimester closes in on me...I am tired and achey and getting punched/kicked in the cervix or ribs on a regular basis. But Motherhood is wonderful, and I would not have it any other way....unless three hour naps could be included in there somehow.

Oh Yeah...

And in other news, yes, Baby #2 is a boy, and my Hospital DID get in a birthing tub, so if everything goes to plan, I will be pushing Baby Boy #2 out in the water :-)

Here are two recent pics-Me at 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and one of Kyan and Jon waking up together (pre-binky weaning):

This Bud's for You (Mom)

Mom, since you are the only one checking my blog anymore......Here is life in a nutshell.

I dislike the Two's. I find this age to be distinctly unfun. I hate the constant "no's" (me), the constant tantrums (me AND Kyan), the truly disgusting poopy diapers (Kyan), the time outs (Kyan)......and now we are dealing with naps. We weaned Kyan off the binky completely three weeks ago. Suddenly, for the last week, he has totally not been napping. Since he developed Seperation Anxiety in September, he won't nap anywhere but out bed. Now he won't even fall asleep there. So I tried switching it back to his room, tried letting him sleep on the couch, letting him sleep on the big papasan chair in the kitchen......the only thing I refuse to try is letting him fall asleep while watching TV. It may work for some kids, but Kyan will never fall asleep in front of the TV, ESPECIALLY because I am trying to limit how much he watches these days...TV is like crack to this kid. Today, as I type, Kyan is actually sleeping, though it took me a full hour and a half to get to go to sleep. But I don't have high hopes of this lasting long, as he has developed a nasty cold, and I can hear him hacking up a lung up there.....

I always knew I was in for it with Kyan......He was SUCH a calm and easy going baby, easy to get to sleep, not fussy, generally just happy and played wwell on his own......Now, as a mobile toddler, he is into everything. He is pretty tall for his age, so there is pretty much nothing out of his reach, and he definitely has a lot to say. He's still a lot more calmer than some other toddlers I know, and tantrums in public are infrequent, but when they do happen, watch out! I am continueing the time honored tradition started by my Mother where, if I am able, I just walk away. If it's in a place where it causes a big disruption to others, then we leave. I am hoping this works in the long run, since I feel tantrums are an attention getting tactic, and I do NOT want Kyan thinking he can get attention in this manner. So Kyan is not really a bad kid, just into everything, which sometimes gets.....destructive. I am starting to have a minimalist decor out of necessity, because wants to play and touch everything, and sometimes breaks things. We need to replace out DVD/VHS player because in the span of a week, Kyan managed to break the mechanisms in both sides by trying to shove stuff into the openings. So we can't watch any movies right now...

However, the brighter sie of this is that Kyan is an extremely sweet and loving little boy (as long as you don't want to change his diaper...potty training is WAY off for this kid). He loves to give hugs, still loves to be held, loves to give kisses, sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", Count to Ten, Sing the Alphabet. He is also likes watching me cook...okay, so he likes to try and get me to do something else when I need to cook, so I have tried to turn this into a positive by giving him little jobs when I make dinner....If I cut the carrots, I bring a little stool over to the counter and let him put all the carrots into a bowl. Then I give him a spoon and let him just mix them around for a while...this kept him entertained for a full half hour one night last week. He also likes to hold hands with pretty much anyone....Some of his toddler buddies go with the flow on this, some do not.

Given that Kyan has such a propensity for getting into everything, and given that he has a baby brother on the way who may also be into everything, I have tried to get rid of any and all toxic chemicals in my house. although my kitchen cabinets are baby-proofed, cleaning products are accessible in both my bathrooms, which have very little storage. but I have switched to homemade, eco-friendly anti-bacterial sprays in the kitchen, and baking soda...

And Kyan is up...20 minutes was all......I must leave it here, it seems....

LOOKING FOR SUPPORT!!!

I am trying to get my local hospital (Cooley Dickinson Hospital in Northampton, MA) to put in a waterbirth tub and adopt a waterbirth policy. Despite the fact that funding is available for this, there is strong resistance from some hospital executives, as well as some of the local area OB's. I want this option not only for myself, but for all local women who choose to birth at CDH-it has been shown to reduce the need for drugs and episiotomies by a significant percentage, and enables women to feel more empowered by their birth by giving them choices.

Even if CDH is not your hospital of choice, please sign this petition if you believe in giving women more choices in how they birth!

My goal is 1,000 signatures over the next few weeks-Signing is easy-just click on the link, fill in your info, click submit, and make sure to opt out of the 2 newletters you will otherwise be sent.

I appreciate any and all support on this issue!!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/include-birthing-tubs-at-cooley-dickinson-hospitals-childbirth-center

Whoops...

And I am a naughty monkey for not updating after my appt....Appointment went fine, they pulled out the doppler, and couldn't find a heartbeat. My midwife admitted she wouldn't try very hard, cause she know I have been a bit anxious of late, and if they couldn't "find" the heartbeat, I would score another ultrasound and get to see the baby again (and possibly gender??), otherwise, my next ultrasound is the anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks (it seems so so far away right now..)

So I was promptly booked for an ultrasound early in the afternoon, and was fairly unworried since Jon had found the heartbeat just 2 days before with our rented doppler. So the ultrasound went fine-Baby's heartrate was 167 (Kyan's was usually in the 140's, If I remember correctly), and I got to marvel at the miracle that is pregnancy and growing a life inside you....Even having had a successful pregnancy before, it still amazes me at the changes that take place over a span of weeks....I had an ultrasound at 8.5 weeks, and everything looked SO different....you couldn't see a spine and really defined arms and legs...the baby looked kind of like a gummy bear then.....Baby would not show off the goods in it's nether regions-it wasn't in the right position, the ultrasound tech said, but none-the-less, I was so happy to see my little baby moving and squirming and it's little heart beating away...how incredible to think: The tech said the heart is like the size of a green pea right now....How crazy is that??

Anyway, all remains well....I am still waiting for first trimester exhaustion to go away, but I am sure that will happen in the next couple weeks.....But I am just happy to be in the 2nd trimester now (14 weeks, 2 days!)

If I can ever sit at the computer without Kyan attacking me or falling asleep first, I will try and get the latest ultrasound pics up!

Update Tomorrow

I will have an update tomorrow-I have my regularly scheduled, non-freak out anxiety Midwifery appointment tomorrow....Hopefully they will at least make the APPOINTMENT for my ananotomy ultrasound.....Cause I am DYING to know whether this kid has a hamburger or a hot dog, and at least if I know when the DATE is, I'll have a date to look forward to and focus on...

So, more to come....

Anxiety

Well, I am have been feeling really anxious lately about this pregnancy...why? I don't know. My pregnancy with Kyan seemed much more unstable at first-I spotted thru my whole first trimester. But this time around, everything is going fine. But I am SO ANXIOUS.

I called my Midwife's office today to see if they would move up my appointment (it was for a week from now) because I was feeling nervous. They happily ageed to fit me in today, which I was SO grateful for.

So I got to the office and promptly burst into tears. The Midwife I saw today (Pam) was really nice and attentive to my neurotic anxiety. So she got out the doppler to find the baby's heartbeat to reassure me. So she kept trying....and trying for about 12 minutes. The words "we need to schedule an ultrasound to check on everything then" had just left her mouth when she tried one more time....and this time she was able to find it! Thank God, cause I was having a heart attack, thinking my worst fears were coming true. Apparently, she says this little baby must be very active, and as my uterus is still low (and tilted), this baby has the perfect place to hide from the doppler.

So glad I heard the heartbeat again though...it did help ease my mind some.....I think I mentioned before that I rented a doppler, and it came yesterday, and I was not finding a heartbeat for love or money.

So that is the news for now.....baby is okay!

Ahem....

Haha-Tricked you! Look below...

The Update

Well, it's been a busy few months around here.....I needed to regroup and really focus on being gratful for all the good things that were already in my life, namely Kyan and Jon.

But time marches on, and we are happy to announce I am a Host Organism!! I am supporting a new life! YES, PREGNANT!!! We are officially 12 weeks along, with a due date around Feb. 12 (my birthday).....I have rented a doppler...it took 20 minutes to find the heartbeat today and a lot of patience, but we finally found the little bugger hiding under my pubic bone! :-) Because of my history of miscarriage, I have had 2 ultrasounds already, and everything has checked out thus far. We are SO EXCITED!!!

Kyan is growing and thriving: He had his 2 year well child appointment today. He is 37 1/2 inches tall and 31 lbs and 9 ounces and his head is 50cm. His language skills have really picked up-and everyhting is "Mine". He can point to and name almost all of his body parts. He says "I Love You" now (sounds like I LUB WU) and has become a pretty affectionate little man.

Kyan turned 2 on July 24 and really enjoyed his birthday. He really got into the presents concept this time-In fact, now everytime he sees a present, he thinks it is his to open! He got some clothes, some trucks, a tractor, some puzzles, a fire truck and Thomas the Tank Engine toys, which are now a total obesession....Everything is "Thomas this" and "Thomas that" and "SODOR!" (as in The Island of Sodor).

Anyway, I will conclude with some pictures of Kyan's birthday and my pregnant belly (as well as that of my best friend, Amelia, who is pregnant too-8 weeks ahead of me and expecting TWINS!!!)

Kyan and his cake:


Kyan with Grampie:


Amelia at 16.5 weeks, and me at 9 weeks:


Amelia at 18 weeks, and me at 11 weeks:


I look forwarding to jumping back into blogging and keeping you updated on out little corner of Massachusetts!

TIme Out

I am:
drained
exhausted
achey
sad

I've probably bored anyone who read this blog to death with my whining anyway, so I will be taking a break. I don't know for how long (let's face it, my posting frequency of late has been pretty lame)--I have too much going on and not going on, and since the only things I can think of to write are the words to songs from The Cure or strings of expletives, if you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all, right?

Moving forward

It has been a rough couple weeks.......I don't have the ability to sit and mourn, the way I did when I lost my first pregnancy, because a certain very busy 20 month old requires my attention. But it's been very easy to just sit down at times and dissolve into tears, at which point Kyan come over to me and gives me a hug (with a big sloppy kiss, if I ask nicely).

I wish this weren't so hard......Having been through this once already, I wish I was used to it, or could have become desensetized to it.....It has just been a roller coaster.....My HCG levels have gone down, then up...more spotting, no spotting, more spotting.....It's gonna take 2-3 months for my body to get back to normal before we can even try again.....

And yes, I am sure we will try again, although I honestly feel nothing but dread at the prospect....the last couple months before I got pregnant this time were really hard, and I don;t want to deal with that again, and then if I DO get another positive, I will just be waiting for somethign to go wrong...I felt that way when I was pregnant with Kyan, and obviously he turned out okay, but I didn't have anyone else to look after then.....being consumed and paralyzed with fear that the little bean you already love might cease to exist is exhausting, and quite frankly, my shitty parenting of Kyan over the last couple weeks is bad enough......He deserves to have me PRESENT, not freaking out about a future for his sibling I have no control over.

To top it all off, we bought a Honda Odyssey minivan the week I miscarried......I have been wanting one really bad-We were bringing home Kyan fro the hospital after he was born when the Matrix had started to feel cramped. Where I felt we could justify a minivan when we had our second child on the way, now I am just the asshole who drives a huge car with crappy gas mileage and ONE kid in the back. Don't get me wrong-I love the car, love the space, and think it is a great car-now we ca carry around an extra car seat for Kyan's friends and their Mom's (my friends). But I feel a little sad eery time I am getting into that car.....I just want it to be filled with kids. I ran into an old co-worker of Jon's today at Storytime at the Library.......She had her 2nd baby a couple months after I had Kyan, and is now halfway through her pregnancy with #3, and is still driving around is her old sedan. Now I just feel guilty....That is clearly a woman who needs a minivan more than I do.....

And so, life must go on whether I really feel like it or not, which is good, I guess, in some ways. I have some cute pics and video of Kyan I ver much need to upload, but am currently lacking the energy to do.

Empty

Sorry for the abscence of posts......I was afraid to post because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the news to myself-"I'm pregnant!". Today I would have been 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant, due November 7.

But no more. Once again I had spotting (only this time on a Friday night so I could spend the whole weekend worrying) and got an ultrasound today that revealed no baby.

I now have a 33% success rate with pregnancy...pregnancies which are not particularly easy for me to acheive in the first place.

Where do I go from here? Well, at this moment, drinking myself to sleep is not working but not for any lack of trying. Jon and my doctor are all set to go and try again......but I just don't know.

Part of me feels like maybe I just need to concentrate on being a better Mother to Kyan.....that maybe God is punishing me because I haven't been a good enough Mom. I mean, I had everyone at church praying for me that it would be okay, and clearly it didn't do any good.

Time marches on, and eventually I will have to put away the wine bottle, wipe away my tears and get out of bed again, but right now the only thing I am capable of is holding Kyan tight and telling hime I love him, hoping it'l be okay if I am not able to give him any siblings, and wondering why my body keeps choosing to betray me.

My apologies in advance, as I don;t think I will be up to posting for a while.

You may hang me up by my toenails.....

I know it's been for like, ever, since I posted.....We moved the computer ut of the kitchen and upstairs, and now I have to actually have to sit at the damn thing when Kyan is napping, instead of watchig him play out of one eye while typing, as a I used to. My message board friends will attest to the fact I am definitely not a constant presence on the computer anymore. And that napping thing? Yeah, that's kind of a crap shoot these days.....Kyan might nap, or he may morph into DEVIL SPAWN and scream until he is released from his room.

We've had lots going on...I try and get him into play groups and set up play dates, because I feel like interaction with other kids is really good for him and might improve his language skills. We'll be starting to go for a weekly Open Swim at the Westfield YMCA on Tuesday mornings, and I think he'll really enjoy that, since he enjoys baths so much.....

On March 10, Jon and I will be meting my sister and her boyfriend in NYC to watch a taping of the The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. On Wednesday and Thursday, Jon will be in Atlanta for work. In two weeks, he'll be in NYC for a couple days for work. The week after that, we'll all be down in Philadephia for Jon's work and using the opportunity to visit my parents. The last week in April we are going to be vacationing with out friends Sean and Amelia and their daughter Lily in Cape Cod......so the next couple months will be busy. And with so many big things coming up, I will try and post more, and do pictures.......Cause all I have head for weeks and weeks is: "I thought you were going to post more now that your not working" and "we want updates".................

So yes, I will TRY and be better about this......finding the time is a lot harder than I expected....

and now, here are some pics.....most of them are from the beginning of January, but the camera is downstairs, and I am too tired to go down and get it and upload new pics and all that crap....next time........

Pics of Kyan enjoying snacks....




Kyan enjoying a bath with his buddy, Lily:




Kyan and I asleep on my parent's couch:


Kyan laughing:


Kyan on a play date in February.....Can you believe how long his hair is? I love it...I think it's so cute :-)


Anyhow-Will try and post something new in....let's be realistic...the next 10 days?? If I know people are actually reading I will make the effort.....

A full time job

Well, my first week as a full time Mom is coming to a close....

And I must say, I LOVE it! Spending all this time with Kyan has been so awesome.....I love watching him play and watching the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure things out....

Kyan is inot EVERYTHING...the kid has go-go gadget arms....I think I've put stuff up on surfaces out of his reach, and he still manages to get them......He can reach the countertops now, so I have t make sure anything I put down is at least 6" away from the edge, or he can grab it......Things he's been able to grab:
-A apackage of sliced mushrooms I was about to put in the fridge
-2 very long matches (used for fireplaces)
-My glass of wine (he had already tried to drink some before I turned around, but luckily only succeeded in spilling it on himself)
If he CAN'T reach something, he might take his long wooden spoon and try to bat the object off the edge to get it...he's getting clever....

He also is quite the daredevil......he likes to climb on chairs and stand up-sometime to try and get to a higher surface, sometimes he TRIES to tip himself over while standing)......he's opened his dresser drawers and tried to climb up them...

So it's safe to say he's keeping me busy.

When he goes down for naps, I now have time to clean....it will be my goal to clean SOMETHING ever time he naps....So far this week, I have:
-Cleaned out the office
-Cleaned and mopped the kitchen floor, then rearranged it
-Cleaned out the guest bedroom
-Cleaned the baby's room
-Cleaned our bedroom
-Gone thru my purse collection and donated a large portion of them to The Salvation Army
-Cleaned my bathrooms

And I made Pumpkin bread!

I am hoping that my mopping my kitchen floor and cleaing the bathrooms will now be something I achieve weekly (should I even admit publicly I was not doing this on a weekly basis already?)
Jon has been impressed-The house hasn't been this clean since we moved in :-)

However, my other goal, in order that I don't become some sort of empty Donna Reed caricature, will be to educate myself more on current events-To know more about what is going on in the world.

So, there is the update.....Sorry no pictures-I need to get better about remembering to take the camera out more!

On Blogging

Why, hello, dear readers! (are you still there? anyone...anyone?? Hellooooooo....)

Ahem, I realize my posts have been few and infrequent these past few months....the joyless time suck known as my job, the fun time suck known as parenthood.....What can I say? The day gets away from me. And then I eat choclate and drink a glass of red wine and fall asleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anyway, all this to say.....I will be back in full force, posting much more frequently-with pictures! Why, you ask? What will have changed that will make my ability to entertain you/put you to sleep so much more frequent? Well............That joyless time suck known as my job is going to be a thing of the past, come Thursday, January 15!! I can now be a full time, non working Mother, because my husband is awesome and has worked hard to pay off bills and crunch numbers to make it happen.

As most of you know, I hate my job, and it has been an almost constant source of frustration and misery for me since I started it in 2005. So YAY for me!!

If you are only here for news of Kyan.......He is a big ball of constant energy, always running around......He likes to help me empty the dishwasher, his favorite words are "NOOOO", "Uppy", and "Cookie", and I spend all my free time eating his cheeks.

Anyway-Just thought I'd give you all the update......Prepare to be amazed by my frequent posting!